It’s okay to not be OK…

threenager-meme

I came across a post on Sunday which resonated deeply within me.

A post that could’ve been written more or less by myself. So much so that my original post (which I’d deleted)  has now been re-written with a dedication to Aleena from Mummy Mama Mum for encouraging me to publish this. Thank you! 

For me, if it’s not admitting it then it’s accepting it that’s the problem…
Telling myself that sometimes I’m not OK is a struggle. Like a never-ending battle.

If you haven’t read her post yet…  I’m Not OK by Mummy Mama Mum

The Greenwich Mummy Blog | It's okay to not be OK
Pretty much sums up how I feel when going through those days

“I need a f***ing break. I know that I need a break when I am displaying none of the qualities desirable in a half-decent parent.”

– Mummy Mama Mum

This is literally how I feel right about now. Pretty dark stuff.
It’s NOT who I want to be but it is who I am.

Admitting and accepting that I’m not OK is hard. So. Flipping. Hard. Maybe it’s because I see it as defeat. Maybe it’s me being too scared to admit that I might actually have a problem. Or perhaps it’s because so many of my friends look up to me as a ‘mum-spo’ type of figure so I feel this kind of ‘pressure’ to uphold a certain image or ideal of being able to cope with anything.

The reality is I just have extremely good hiding mechanisms. I had quite a laid-back attitude to parenting which served me well until now. Now that I have a threenager and a needy 9-month old baby on my hands, it’s gone all tits up. Bedtime routines have gone out the window. I’m stressing over the littlest things. I’m sounding more and more like a broken record. My level of patience is at to zero. I’ve threatened to and even smacked LO when he’s pushed me to my limits.

After that comes the crazy thoughts…

Running away.
Giving the kids away.
Suicide.

Sometimes even darker thoughts but I’m too afraid to write them down.

I hate feeling like this. It’s the monster-of-a-mother inside me surfacing but I am getting better at managing it by slowly accepting that it’s okay to not be OK.

I’ve spoken to Daddy P about it and he seems to think it’s a phase but I know that he can see it gets to me. I just need a little rest from the kids. I’m not talking just a physical rest but a mental and emotional one. I need to recharge my batteries. I have a 1hr morning break from the kids to go gym or fitness class and I love it but I throw a massive bitch fit when I have to miss it. I’m trying learning to identify my anger triggers to cool down before I open my mouth and start shouting. I’ve even been planning to book a solo holiday this summer just to give myself a needed break.

I do really try to be a good mum for my bubbas but sometimes it all gets too much for me then sh*t hits the fan. LO was not really a needy baby so I never had problems with him until now that he’s hit his threenager years. Baby Girl on the other hand, is the total opposite. Needy from the start and so damn demanding that I just can’t deal. I’ve always been quite independent so to have someone so clingy depending on me (who I can’t run away from) makes me feel like a cornered prey. That sounds really selfish but I can’t help it. and after reading Aleena’s post, I am glad there’s others out there who can also relate.

I can’t begin to tell you how much of a relief it is to finally be able to speak out about this and I’m hoping that my post and Aleena’s will encourage other parents out there to speak about their story because I think it’s one of those taboo topics that we need to normalise.

As parents, we are always being looked up to by someone so we’ve become very good at concealing things that makes us vulnerable. But sometimes it’s good to let that side out to help ourselves and maybe even help others.


“In the beginning, people think vulnerability will make you weak, but it does the opposite. It shows you’re strong enough to care.”
– Victoria Pratt

https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/vulnerability_3.html


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11 thoughts on “It’s okay to not be OK…

  1. Hi Manny! I’m so glad you’ve written this – I feel like we are in such similar situations right now – Amelia has hit threenager-dom with a vengeance and Wills is far needier than she ever was! I’ve always been so chilled as a mum and now I feel like I’m floundering. Book that holiday lady (even if it’s a caravan in Skegness!!) Take some time out. I’m beginning to realise that spending a few days away from the kids is great for all of us if it means we’re better parents because of it. I’m so touched that my post inspired you to write this, and like you I hope that anyone reading our posts who is feeling the same can take comfort. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Aleena, I am very relieved to hear that you’re in the same situation too πŸ™‚ was beginning to think it was just me haha and thank you so much for encouraging me to write this. It was hard but so glad I did it now! I am definitely going to take some time out.. I really do need to book that holiday haha – just got to save up for it now. πŸ™‚

      I too also hope this post will touch others and let them know it’s okay to speak out xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It is OK not to be OK. We all have our moments of weakness. I’m always reminded by this quote: The strength of character is not always about how much you can handle before I break, but it is about how much one can handle after being broken.
    Be well and stay strong. πŸ™‚ x.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Ann.. it took a lot for me to publish this and even now, I find it hard to read it back lol silly I know!

      I love the quote above, I think I will have to keep that as one of my mantras for this month. I am getting better now and learning to be more mindful with things and it’s really helped. πŸ™‚ Thank you for reading. xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I have totally been here and want to tell you that it gets so much easier as they get older.Cut yourself some serious slack and it is a phase but quite a long one.You need breaks though-whole day ones and get yourself some boundaries back especially bed time.Get help to do all of that,you cant do it alone.Rope in all that you can.I felt like I was drowning and only got through with other people’s kindness and help x #Dreamteam

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have been much better now, taking everyone’s advice and finding more me-time for myself. Still can’t get a full day to myself but occasionally get half-days when my boyfriend takes over with the kids. πŸ™‚

      I’m glad to hear that it is just a phase – was beginning to think about seeking professional help if it’d gotten worse but it hasn’t so yay! πŸ™‚ Thank you so much for your comment. xxx

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  4. Oh lovely. My heart goes out to you. Of course it’s ok not to be ok. And, as you already know, admitting this is the first step to taking control back. Everyone is different and needs different volumes of space. If you know you need a break, then it’s something that has to be worked into the balance. I know it’s easier said than done. Is your little one at nursery/playgroup yet? Maybe you could ask a friend or family member to help out every so often to ease the pressure. I hope things get easier for you, keep us posted. Thanks for sharing with the #DreamTeam xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Annette for your kind words. I am trying my best and feeling much better now. Yes my son is at nursery but we’re under the free 15hrs scheme so it’s not a lot (3hrs a day, 5 days a week) but it’s more so when the kids are at home together as my little girl is very needy and so is my little boy lol… it’s become a little easier to handle now especially that they’re learning to play together but as I’m the only one not working atm (on mat leave) my sister who works full-time drops her son here who I look after about 3 days a week so it gets a little too much. My partner is helping out a lot now which has really taken the pressure off and hopefully when I go back to work, things should be a little easier as I’ll have more time to myself. πŸ™‚ xx

      Liked by 1 person

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